By Asma bint Shameem
It’s sad that a lot of goodhearted sisters have issues with their mothers-in-law.
This is a common problem among families, even though each of the families are educated, well mannered and god fearing.
The root of the problem lies in the fact that the mother and the wife both feel that *their* rights over the man are *“more”* than the other’s rights.
Or they feel “threatened” by the other’s presence.
The mother feels she’s “lost” her son to “another” woman and on the other side, the wife feels that now that she’s his wife, she’s entitled to her husband’s sole attention and love, exclusive of anyone else.
But Alhamdulillaah, our Deen is balanced and tells us that each woman has her own place and her own rights.
Do realize that the man you married is her son after all.
And he must uphold his relationship with her.
Just because he married you does not mean that he stopped being her son or that his duties towards her have stopped. No.
Rather, his responsibilities have increased because he must work hard to keep up his relationship with his mother, in addition to keeping good relationship with you.
Both of you have rights over him.
But also remember that HER rights take precedent over yours.
It’s true that the wife has certain rights over her husband that he must uphold.
So he must be kind and loving to his wife and provide for her and care for her.
Allaah says:
“And live with them [wives] in kindness.”
[an-Nisaa’ 4:19].
The Prophet sal Allaahu Alayhi wa sallam said:
“I urge you to treat women well” [(al-Bukhaari (3331) and Muslim (1468)]
However, the rights of the mother (and father) are greater.
The mother has the greatest rights of all people over her son.
And honoring, respecting and loving the parents is one of the most important duties of a person.
Allaah says:
“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him.
And that you be dutiful to your parents.
If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honor”
[al-Isra’ 17:23].
And the Prophet Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam said:
“Who among the people is most deserving of my good company?”
He said, “Your mother.”
He asked, “Then who?”
He said, “Your mother.”
He asked, “Then who?”
He said, “Your mother.” …
(al-Bukhaari, 5514; Muslim, 4621).
That doesn’t mean that he neglects you.
But you *must* understand that your husband has to be obedient and loving and kind to his mother. And take care of her, no matter what.
Each of you has her own place in his life.
You are not competing for the same spot in his heart.
Rather a mother’s love will remain in its place and a wife’s love will remain in its place.
Each is separate from the other.
It’s just like you love your husband. And you also love your father.
And you love your son.
Each love is separate and distinct from the other.
So don’t be jealous of her.
Don’t feel threatened by her and don’t worry about her.
She can NEVER take your place.
And you can never take HERS.
My advice would be to develop a good relationship with your mother-in-law
Treat her like your own mother.
Or better yet, treat her like you would want “your” daughter-in-law to treat you.
Even if she says something that you don’t like, ignore it.
Let it go.
And return her rudeness with gentleness, patience and kind behavior.
Allaah says:
“The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal.
Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.”
(Surah Fussilat: 34).
If you treat her well, she will appreciate it and will respond with the same.
Also don’t “expect” anything from her in return.
Do it for the sake of Allaah.
Do it because you know Allaah loves those who are kind to others and expect your rewards with “Him” and no one else.
It’s true that a daughter-in-law is not obligated to serve her in-laws as an Islaamic ruling as such and there's no sin on her if she doesn’t.
But if you treat your in-laws well, that's going to count as sadaqah or charity for you.
It's something *mustahabb* or recommended and *liked* in Islaam.
That's because if you treat your
in-laws with respect and love, your husband will be pleased and will have love and respect for you in return.
And that will bring you two closer and elevate your status in his eyes.
It is part of the good manners of a Muslim woman to consider the husband’s parents as hers so she thinks of them as family.
And has love and sincerity for them.
There IS definitely wisdom in this outlook that results in harmony and overall benefit in following the culture or times.
If there’s any issue between the wife, and her in-laws, it should be resolved with forgiveness, love, kindness and understanding instead of keeping grudges and ill feelings.
The KEY to a good relationship is to work things out amicably, with love, compassion and wisdom.
And keep the best interest of the family at heart.
And Allaah knows best
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