By Asma bint Shameem
It is natural for a person to feel sad and cry when a loved one passes away.
That’s human emotion.
However, what’s not permissible is when a person starts wailing, screaming or shouting, lamenting, tearing clothes, banging the head, etc.
The Prophet sal Allaahu Alayhi wa sallam said:
“There are four things in my ummah from the jaahiliyyah which they will not give up:
-pride in one’s ancestry,
-slandering the lineage of others,
-seeking rain from the stars and
*-wailing over the dead*.
If the woman who wails does not repent before she dies, she will be raised on the Day of Resurrection wearing a garment of tar and a shirt of scabs.”
(Muslim 1550)
That’s a very serious punishment.
So we must be careful not to wail or cry loudly or utter words from our mouth that are inappropriate.
And that includes WORDS like:
“What did I ever do to deserve this?”
“Why me?”
“He/she did not deserve to die! He/she was so young”
“I’m now ruined!”
“How could this happen to me/him/her?”
That’s because wailing and lamenting and griping about it, is as if we are *unsatisfied* with the decree of Allaah or *complaining* about it.
Our Deen teaches us that if a loved one dies, we must be *patient* and *submit* ourselves to the decree of Allaah.
Yes it’s natural for a person to feel sad and cry over losing someone.
Even the Prophet sal Allaahu Alayhi wa sallam himself cried.
Usaamah ibn Zayd radhi Allaahu anhu said:
“We were with the ProphetSal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam and one of his daughters sent word to him, calling him and informing him that a child of hers – or a son of hers – was dying.
He said to the messenger:
“Go back to her and tell her that to Allaah belongs that which He has taken, and to Him belongs what He gives, and everything has an appointed time with Him.
Tell her to be patient and seek reward.”
Then the messenger came back and said:
“She is adjuring you to come to her.”
The Prophet Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam got up, and Sa‘d ibn ‘Ubaadah and Mu‘adh ibn Jabal got up with him, and I went with them.
The child was lifted up to him and his soul was rattling like water poured into a waterskin.
His eyes filled with *tears* and Sa‘d radhi Allaahu anhu said to him:
“What is this, O Messenger of Allaah?”
He said:
“This is compassion that Allaah has instilled in the hearts of His slaves.
Allaah only shows mercy to the merciful ones among His slaves.”
(al-Bukhaari, 1284; Muslim, 923)
Imaam an-Nawawi said explaining this hadeeth:
“What this means is that Sa‘d radhi Allaahu anhu thought that “ALL” kinds of crying or weeping were haraam, and that tears from the eye are haraam, and he thought that the Prophet Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam had forgotten that, so he reminded him.
But the Prophet Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam taught him that simply crying or shedding tears from the eye is not haraam or makrooh; rather it is mercy and a virtue.
*What is haraam is wailing and lamenting and crying that is accompanied by both or one of them.”*
Some people think that wailing and crying will be a cause of punishment for the deceased.
That’s because of the authentic hadeeth of the Prophet sal Allaahu Alayhi wa sallam said:
“The deceased is tormented in his grave because of the lamentations (wailing) over him.”
[al-Bukhaari 1292 and Muslim 927)
But the correct understanding of this hadeeth is what Shaikh Ibn Uthaymeen explains.
He said:
“What it means is that if his family cries for him, he will know of that and will feel pain.
It does not mean that Allaah will punish him for that because Allaah says: “and no bearer of burdens shall bear the burden of another” [al-An’aam 6:164].
Torment is not necessarily a punishment.
Have you not heard the words of the Prophet Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam, “Travel is a kind of torment”?
Travel is not a kind of punishment, but a person suffers torment and exhaustion during it.
Similarly, when the deceased person’s family weeps for him, he suffers pain and is upset by that, even though that is not a punishment from Allaah.
This interpretation of the hadeeth is quite clear and does not cause any confusion.
There is no need to say that this has to do with one who left instructions that they wail for him, or one whose family’s custom was to wail but he did not tell them not to do that.
Rather we say that a person may be tormented by something but it doesn’t harm him.”
(Majmoo’ Fataawa Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, 17/408)
Bottom line:
If someone passes away, it’s perfectly ok to feel sad.
And if the eyes shed tears, that’s ok too.
That’s normal human nature.
But there should be no screaming or shouting hysterically or hitting oneself or complaining or any words or actions that depict that, either directly or indirectly.
And Allaah knows best
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