255. Husband Relationship With His Wife

By Asma Bint Shameem

A husband has to be loving, kind and considerate towards his wife. 

Allaah has made him the *protector* and *maintainer* of the wife and gave him the responsibility of *taking care* of her. 

That’s the right of the wife and that’s what he promised when he signed that marriage contract. 

Allaah says:

“And live with them [wives] in kindness.” [an-Nisaa’ 4:19].

And the Prophet sal Allaahu Alayhi wa sallam said:

“I urge you to treat women well” [(al-Bukhaari (3331) and Muslim (1468)]

So the husband is SINFUL in front of Allaah for disobeying Him if he hurts his wife or treats her unfairly or abuses her in any way. 

And he’s answerable to Allaah  for that. 

However, it’s ALSO an obligation on the wife to listen to her husband, respect and obey him.

The Prophet sal Allaahu Alayhi wa sallam said:

“If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands.”

(Ibn Maajah;saheeh by al-Albaani). 

Part of the obedience of the wife is to answer her husband if he calls her to bed, unless there’s a valid Shar’ee excuse like she’s on her menses or she’s sick, etc. 

To have intimacy with his wife and enjoy her is a right given to the husband by Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta’aala, Himself. 

And it’s not right for her to refuse for *“no reason”.*

He Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam said:

 “By the One in Whose hand is my soul, there is no man who calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, but the One Who is above the heavens [i.e. Allaah] will be angry with her, until he (her husband) is pleased with her.” (Muslim)

And the Prophet sal Allaahu Alayhi wa sallam said:

“By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.”

(Ibn Maajah;saheeh by al-Albaani). 

Explaining the hadeeth of Ibn Maajah above, the ulama say:

“What this means is that women are urged to obey their husbands, and that they should not refuse them even in this situation (meaning on a camel back), so how about in other situations?”

(Haashiyat al-Sindi ‘ala Ibn Maajah)

And so she should not refuse him unless there’s a valid Shar’ee excuse. 

But intimacy has to be mutual and consensual, based on love and compassion. 

In the Qur’aan, Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta’aala describes the relationship between a husband and wife as “mawaddah” and “rahmah” or love and compassion, and also as seeking solace in each other (li taskunu ilaiyha)

Allaah says:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find *solace* in them, and He has put between you *affection and mercy*. 

Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.“ 

(Surah ar-Room:20)

In another place, Allaah describes a man and his wife as “libaas” (apparel, garment, screen) for each other.

Allaah says:

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ

“They are Libaas (i.e. body cover, or screen, apparel) for you and you are a Libaas for them;” 

(Surah al-Baqarah :187)

The word “Libaas” implies that marriage or the desire for intimacy is much more than just fulfilling an ‘animal’ desire or natural instinct like hunger or thirst. 

Rather, it has a higher purpose, a greater goal. 

Marriage is a means of protection for each other, a comfort, a cover and embellishment for each other; that is what a “Libaas” is for. 

And that’s how Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta’aala so beautifully describes a relationship between a husband and wife.

A marriage is a relationship that is supposed to be based on affection, and mercy. And solace. 

Mawaddah and rahmah are the very basis of this relationship. 

Force and compulsion have no place in it. 

Rather, such inconsiderate and selfish behavior will destroy the relationship. 

So if there’s any issue between the husband and wife, it should be resolved with love, kindness and understanding instead of forcing oneself on to the other partner or harming them in any way. 

The Prophet sal Allaahu Alayhi wa sallam said:

“There is not to be any causing of harm nor is there to be any reciprocating of harm.” (Ibn Majah--hasan) 

The KEY to a good relationship is to work things out amicably, with love, compassion and wisdom. 

If he seems unfair or unreasonable, she can sit down with him and talk it out with him. 

They both can get counseling and even get others involved if need be. 

But there’s no place in a marriage for force and certainly no place for harm. 

And Allaah knows best